WRONG

the last thing I needed was someone telling me how wrong I was. i'm already sulking, yet it just had to be squeezed dry. i needed some air. i wanted to think. i didn't actually run to a friend, i simply went to a place where i could lessen the building pain, anger, wonder, worry... yes, there was something wrong with it. i was wrong.

i always have been that awfully wrong. and maybe... maybe it was wrong too that you know so much. so much that you use it on me nonstop.

im definitely wrong for you. i'll let it rest there.

I'm Sorry

It was as always, a wave of emotion that I couldn't easily control. After hearing about that incident regarding my father being brought to the hospital, pictures of the family that I live with, how fine things are going somehow and the idea that my father has no one with him but his siblings and nothing more, I dared not go home early. I didn't know what was running inside my head, except that fear that I might say something hurtful.

Hurt with facts that I suddenly questioned why I'm here. Why did we leave our father there? How will my mom react to that news. Would she be worried? Would she be interested besides the thought that she will be for us but other than that there's just nothing more left... I don't know. I feared I'd feel bitter seeing my mom, my step dad, and their kids while my own father lies in the hospital. Old... Growing older by the minute. Yes, it was wrong. The time that I spent on my own should have been the only time it'll be answered but I backed out. I was just too afraid anger would break lose from me. So, I confined myself away. Mistake, yes. I just felt I had to.

I have no other memory of him besides those that I and my brother spent with him during our childhood. That's all. I envy those who grew up debating and arguing with their own dad, because at least that way wisdom is being passed on, one way or another. Some would say you can always have more memories with your step dad, the same stuffs you could've done with your own father. But that's just it. He's still alive yet why can't I have that experience with him?

Of those little memories, what brought me to tears last night until I fell asleep was that tiny voice when I was eleven, "I won't let anything break this family."

A year later, me, my mom and my brothers flew here and lived with our step dad.

Expectation Fever: I'm Sick

im not good with emotional pressure... or is it, too much pressure makes me emotional? being emotional is a pressure? whichever...

expectations. don't they suck?

that's what usually binds all abilities and capabilities. all these expectations. suppressed. that's what happens. when people starts living their fears on you, you end up overloaded with suffocating expectations.

aren't we suppose to make our own ghosts? why do we have to runaway from someone else's monster?

some may suggest and comment on why not simply ignore it and start living your own life? if only it was that easy. when you live with people you love you often tend to not want to disappoint them. you want to live up to what they want from you. you expect that whatever they suggest (which you instantly believe anyway) will work. you look up to how they inspire you and in the end you go deeper, digging your set of failures.

that's what happens:

... you fail them. you fail yourself.

you gain nothing but realization that no matter what you do, you can never be happy until you've freed yourself from the chains of their monsters.

but how? how do you do that? struggle? strife?

to runaway is cowardly. to stay is suicide. now what?

if only i could paint well you'd see a girl cowered in one corner with all these ghostly hunted figures towering her existence. some say the more they expect from you, the more they trust you. but how could you believe they do trust you when not one thing works for them.

lack. not enough. that's always the major comment. how much more is needed? what else can you do?

they say worrying can drive you loco. but if you don't have any other option, worrying is the only response you can muster.

sigh.

life.

it's just full of it. :(

Taking Chances

fine! i can't take it anymore... i decided to sacrifice my phone bills for a while to make way for my annoying craving to buy myself a gadget that i'd appreciate. so, yeah... fingers crossed i took my chances on ordering online for a cheap 1g iPod nano with expandable memory.

well... i know i can never afford the real deal because if i do get to save enough for it (the original stuff) i'd probably end up keeping the money instead. haha! hmm... i don't know if i made the right decision but i'm known to jump into deep waters, so there! i'd face the consequences after. i always do.

:( i just hope its not that bad... looks fine anyway.

just doing some rants...

now... if i could only find that second hand 12in laptop and a connection that would get it for me... that would be my next target. i hate craving for things! it drives me nuts!!!! :D

smiley crazy...

have you seen the new smiley on my tagboard in my other blog??? the silly looking anime sort of gifs? yeah... for two nights now i've beent tweaking my blog's html to try and store those smileys to show up on my post. could't sleep actually knowing that other bloggers were able to install it. :( well it worked here and this is a beta version. that's something to start with. but i have no idea how to do it in my home blog. argh! this had been driving me nuts.

add in my longing to buy my own laptop. just the small one of at least 12.1inches or something. i'm also eyeing an mp4... :D sadly, they're too out of reach. :( mom, dad, and the two kids are off to manila today. they took the car with them. trying if it could do long travels. wish i could come but my aunt doesn't seem to want us there. besides, there was very little space left when they're off to baguio after so, we're really not invited (nor welcome).

so yeah... im left with my tantrums right now. ::(

Dear Guts,

honestly... just when you need the courage to do something, you lose the nerves to do it. i again feel insecure about my writing skills. i've always been this way anyway. ever since i realized i know i write good, i just don't see myself as better. there's always someone out there that would intimidate me making me curl up on my insecurities. why just writing this makes me squirm.

when i don't feel that great when writing i find myself stupidly redundant with the words that i use and that's not really great. oh what am i suppose to do? i have so many dreams. they say read a lot, and you'll become a better writer. yeah write! ahahaha! this is really embarassing.

then i realized this blogs pagerank and alexa ranking is higher that my home blog! what's up with that? i don't even know if there's a bit of traffic in here. if only i could switch its ranking then maybe i'd be earning more with the ppp and ads that im working on to earn a bit of extra income.

oh well! whatever... just talking nonsense here. ::(

leap...

i was trying to be optimistic... trying to do stuffs i didn't find worth focusing on before. imagining myself growing older with the amount of responsibilities i'm taking in. happy to show them and tell them to the world. although the child in me is in outrage at the new change, i simply tried to go with the new phase i'm taking.

still... that's just it... i can never be perfect.

most of the people i know, friends, and new acquaintances, even my own mom ask advice from me sometimes. ideas that i feel helpful. and somehow, most of them regard me as someone with utmost wisdom. they even compliment me saying how could i be so understanding, patient, and what a strong woman, that i hardly believe it.

because, i can never be that strong... nor that proud.

i thought i was doing well... i tried preventing myself from doing extreme decisions. especially if it is under the impression of exaggeration. but right now... i just can't bear the idea that i didn't do anything, nor said a word, that might trigger the outbursts...

so, yeah... i have to find my old self...

Aloha!

Summer had always been one of the moments you could take advantage of traveling for fun, pleasure, and adventure. Instantly hearing about the forthcoming season makes us imagine sunny side beaches, and glorious golden seashores, and what better place to go and fulfill this dream vacation but to visit the positive icon of paradise for holidays like this, Hawaii.

Nothing’s worth going than being in one of Hawaii’s famous island spots like Kauai, home for the known Napali Coast, a place overlooking a panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean lined with a spectacular coastline, and rich with magnificent waterfalls in deep narrow valleys, great for both adventure hikes, surfs, and bushwhacks. Stay on the place is never a problem with the help of a wide list of Kauai vacation homes that are simply a few walks away from the places that you’d like to see in the island.

Whether you’re a hiker or not, a traveler or mere spectator, you’ll never be sorry going to the land where the majestic nature is so alive you’d hardly believe there’s a place called heaven on earth. Truly a paradise with so much to offer, Kauai, Hawaii is just the best place to be to have the experience you’ll take home with you, and would probably crave for more after.

this is a sponsored post...

unheard

sometimes, no matter what you do it'll never be enough. not if you've done too much to lose that trust.

i wonder... why it could be easy for someone to just ask you to step aside. to close the door for awhile behind you, leaving you the feeling that you can't do anything there. yes... that's it. there's just nothing you can do. what can i do then? oh right. leave in silence and shut up.

that's what i hate actually, times where you do decide to speak up but it makes things worst. tell me not to feel insecure when you thought you've said something right but ended up being shut.

i just had to let this all out for a while. i don't have my usual friend to talk too. she's out of town. so i really have no one but this. maybe i'd shut off the comment board as well? just to keep the game rolling? but no. i don't really know what i want. just some sense, and some importance, acknowledgement, and appreciation. nothing more. oh yeah... and real trust. sigh...

till later.

Tricy ride?

ah yes... just when i thought it's safer to come home early i get to experience unwanted incidents. a bit, whatever.

i was walking home the other night, around 9:30pm when yet again i was offered a free tricycle ride passing by me. do i look like i can't manage the short walk? this will be the third time that i was asked to join in because the tricycle is anyway on its way home similar to my street, but the only difference is i don't feel at ease with the driver.

the first two offers i took because the first one was a "suki" driver (tricycle that i always get to ride on regularly going to the mall), the next one i also took because he does look familiar and he really lives just within a mild radius from our house, but this last one? it was driven by a younger guy with another guy behind him and they don't look safe for me.

so i declined the offer.

they kept insisting that it's okay their not to harm me or whatever, but i can't get myself to say yes.. all i did for a number of times was say, "no, thanks, but im fine... and im almost home anyway... thanks again..." and kept walking as calmly but stiff and fast as i could. still they kept insisting, reiterating that i don't have to pay and that they find they're wasting gas if they don't have a passenger with them and would like the company, still i said "NO.THANKS." to my surprise they brought the tricy across the right lane, right in front of me. like that's gonna convince me. the more i said, hard and strong, "NO.get going."

when im almost around the corner they finally gave up, (thank God!), mumbled a few, "fine, don't then." and went on their way. like what was that all about?

the firsts were blessings, this last was stupidly arrogant and scary.

glad to be home safe anyway. GEEZ!

ME WANT IT SO BAD!

ah yes... im supposed to rant in this part of my alterego blog, right? i forgot... must've been too busy at work, searching for money making to do's around the internet and the likes that i couldn't find time to release my raves... oh yes... no harsh words or heavy feelings that i want to share in this blog. why would i it's just some silly complaints that i'm planning to write here and not some kinda freak hating the world sort of scheme that im after for anyway...

sigh...

im still in badly longing of that laptop... i want my own smaller LAPTOP!!!!! im screaming my lungs out!!!!! I WANT THAT LAPTOP SO BADDDDDDD!

so, anyone out there looking for a freelance writer, i'm available. im good at research, informative and ecommerce deals so hire me! im open! work at home thingamajigs available out there hear me out! i need some side line income! NOW!!!!!

whew...

chances?

this really won't make sense... not at all... its just one of those times where you come to look at your past and ask:

What happened? what went wrong? Why it happened? when will it all be okay?

somehow things for me are going neat. although its quite bumpy and not so perfect, somehow life is going great for me. but when i look around me, it leaves me hoping... if only things didn't go so far off, maybe... maybe life would be better right now. its not that im burdened so bad, no not at all.

half of me wants to end it. i want my own peace. but then again i end up asking myeslf, if things will do come to better terms, would it really be that okay again? will you be able to fill that gap that grew out of the times of bitterness and all that? will it really be that great? will i ever learn to trust?

everything that happened to me, i am grateful. sad, agonizing memories that when i look back i know those are the reasons why i am like this now. im trying to fix the learning. the real essence of what i should've learned way back. but some things.. some things i just dont understand.

there are stuffs that i wanna have again. but would it be worth it? maybe i really shouldn't be part of that memory. i was just an added spice. if only i could just look forward without having to forget. which i know i never would.

sigh...

some things are just left open for chances.

unloading

"be content with what you have, that had always been a drill.

don't expect for so much, just stay on tract with the will.

must i always suppress my heart, must i learn to stay still?

maybe i would, if i was secured, with what you truly feel."

just a little rhyme to compliment my emotions right now. since last night i had been told by most of the people around, especially those that inspires me most: "stay on tract, keep it up. you're doing well. do this and don't do that... learn to seriously dwell."

there are a lot of things waiting to be done, stuffs that would bring me far. but my heart is so uneasy, i just can't do it without the enthusiasm. why is it so hard to find that thrill? when all you wanted is to be great and share it with. oh i found it so annoying, when you have to get somewhere by sacrificing all your longings.

-break rhyme-

this is what i hate when i start with rhymes, the whole entry just turns out like a pathetic poetry. oh well, glad that's off my chest. that's just it. i have so much to do, so much to think about but i can't focus. other matters bothers me and i just cant find that eager feeling to actually start doing and working. argh! the agony of trying to be patient... understanding everything. they're all asking me the same thing... patience... patience... patience... the mere word drives me to impatience. understand the situation its just temporary, everyone i talk to, they have the same excuse. may it be from a friend, or a family problem, understanding is the key, that's what you should do. yeah i do understand, but must it always be me to do the understanding alone? what about what i feel? i wanna be understood too! i guess even if im turning out so well in this 'controlling your emotion' state, i can't help but wonder: am i the only one to learn this lesson in my lifetime? everyone around me, i just have to understand and adjust? adjust at home, adjust at work, adjust in love...

-deep breathing: breathe in... breathe out...-

yup... im still okay. but for how long?

i badly need the strength... i badly need the guidance.

Lord, help me through...

over a few bottles of beer

yup, i did say im addicted to coffee and the conversations that i was suppose to fill in here are during my coffee breaks before coming to the office. oh well, during my day off i went with my old group of friends, because it was some sort of emergency meeting. the cause? ME. as if im about to die. they just kept asking what's wrong with me and i told them part of the reasons why my face is as sour as that man's face on the vinegar commercial. actually my face is worse than that, and my eyes were dreading to burst with tears. i tried not to cry i must not.

and so after telling them the reason of my sad and depressed wishing to die face, they started telling me advises. the ever loving bunny gave me quite a lot, saying, i don't believe it, guys says the most stupid thing but he's different. i know he's got some good excuse and the bottom of it all is to avoid hurting you over and over again. remember that he's in a bad situation right now, and so alone. you should understand that. and i keep saying, i do... i do understand. i don't know what the cause is. all of a sudden im lost about what we're really arguing about?! oh well, it went on like that for hours and so.

anyway, the best quote that he left me would be this:

"every hard iron softens in the right amount of fire... and time."

i was awed. it is really not too often that this blabber 24/7 rascal mouth guy speaks something that actually made sense. he's a good friend but we're too the same that we contradict each other often. but this time, i was speechless. but that was only until he started talking non stop again about keep holding on, don't give up, he'll be back, we all have plans, he just wants the best for you, etc... etc... etc...

but he's right actually. and i told him... oh for goodness sake rabbit! im only crying and feeling lonely, but who says im letting go. im not giving up. i never will... i love that man and he has to bear with it whether he likes it or not.

i trust my man. i know what rabbit meant when he said all those stuffs. it is true. that he only sees what's best for me. but i need him. and i want him. that's why i guess i was holding on too tight.

things will be better. i pray it will... and forever, our relationship will always be in His hands. i know He'll keep this relationship safe. as always... :')

stop or i'll jump!

my day was going real great today... had a nice time watching the store. a good online surf. achievement on a couple of things. inspired by the little blessings. cultivated by different changes.

anyway, i was on my way home... yup... after all the great things that happened to you, you're excited to be home and just savor a nice good rest.

but it happened. i rode the jeepney. there was just me, and an old man on it plus the driver. a woman who was dressed very at home, meaning not so good, wave the jeepney and came in. the driver was running the vehicle quite fast, for me that was well okay, eager to be home. then i heard a soft mumble of "para" (that's how you tell the jeepney to stop so you could go down) but it was really really low that even i who was sitting near her didn't think she actually said anything. i even thought she was talking to herself or something. these thoughts happened for only a split second i think coz i looked over to her side to check if she did say something but then all i saw was her back already on the steps out of the jeep! the jeep was speeding the hell on the road and she just walked out. all three of us saw her drop on the floor, then lay there not moving.

what i couldn't stand is that the driver slowed down to check through his rear view mirror, and i was expecting we'd stop and help, bring her to a hospital or something, but then the driver accelerated and went double the frequent speed and before i could react i realized i was already about to say "para" as well.

thoughts ran through my head: hoping that i'd be able to say it loud enough for the driver to hear... im thinking is this driver okay? he's driving too fast. he didn't help the woman. is he in his right mind or is his conscience killing him? would he stop if i ask him to? i just said "para" although numbly but loud enough i guess. with matching a knock on the roof.

im still in shock right now. i managed to memorize the jeepney's plate number. but what am i to do? in the end as i was walking home i just prayed so hard someone helped that woman... may God forgive me for not doing anything as well. i feel so darn confused but all i could do was pray that she's safe, and hope the driver came back to help her later in his drive.

what a night! God bless us always.

sometimes we really have to expect, the unexpected.

do you love me?

this is a post which i do not intend to make everyone understand. i'll be collecting responses instead.

i'm actually bothered... ironically my background music is "when we dance" by sting. anyway, i just want to leave a few questions in here:

is forgiveness enough to bring love back?
will that love stay true?

how do you heal a broken heart?

must i stop dreaming?

are you holding on to false hopes?

i won't cry this time.... there's only one person who knows what this questions are... i don't wanna be a burden. im tired of that. i don't wanna be loved because there's no other choice. and i don't wanna start believing in dreams again, if time will defy me in the future. i learned so much. but if its time to move on. i'll keep my tears away so you'll have the strength to do what You want.

icebreaker: LOVE

(excuse me for a little commercial from my heart... i tried to keep this blog as jolly and as reasonable as it could. but, things happen that i wanna tackle to make this blog more personal, so to speak.)

here it goes:

i admit... i've always said im sorry and i know im the one to be blamed. i know that every bit of pain im feeling right now is something i definitely deserve. i deserve it... its true: even my death wont be enough to make anyone forget the pain that i've caused. i deserve to live and suffer the torture from the consequences of my actions. yes, torture...

i begged like a kid who'd die if she loses her parents... yup... i cried like a hungry baby... i lowered my pride down. if i could be a slave i'd do so... i agreed to receive all the bitterness just to show my repentance. i gave everything... every bit of action that i know i could give and do to show that i mean it... i was true... i thought i don't need love back... that forgiveness was enough. but that would be hypocrisy, i do need to be loved. who doesn't?

all this time i thought things were going, progressing, we were picking up the pieces... the future is starting to show up once again. light was shining in little by little... i bragged to my friends how we've gone through every downfall in this relationship... they have looked up on us... i believed in us... the old us... the new us... was there ever a new us? everything was going fine... until...

<----- details erased----->

unconditional love... i always thought only God could give such love. yet, for a moment i was able to feel it... lived it... savored it... however, i guess like all the rest there will be just memories, and daydreaming of a love that is true. i still believe its there... waiting for us, ready for the taking. yet, for the unconditional love that you speak, you need to be ready and should be responsible enough. my change was too late...

i loved... i was loved... i still love... yet what's next?

i told my friend once: look... just talk to your girlfriend and for goodness sake lower your pride. if you let your pride take over, and she does the same you only end up creating a whole pile of pride dilemma. the question though is, what if both of you lost that pride? or was it really lost? or you just thought it was lost...

i pray to God that He gives me the strength to accept the next step... why do we have a heart to break? how do you let go of something you've worked for, blood, sweat and tears? how could you let go of your life? how could you let go of love? how could you accept that everything you've hoped for wouldn't work out anymore?

because all this time... it turned out that i am holding on to something that was only borrowed.