icebreaker: LOVE

(excuse me for a little commercial from my heart... i tried to keep this blog as jolly and as reasonable as it could. but, things happen that i wanna tackle to make this blog more personal, so to speak.)

here it goes:

i admit... i've always said im sorry and i know im the one to be blamed. i know that every bit of pain im feeling right now is something i definitely deserve. i deserve it... its true: even my death wont be enough to make anyone forget the pain that i've caused. i deserve to live and suffer the torture from the consequences of my actions. yes, torture...

i begged like a kid who'd die if she loses her parents... yup... i cried like a hungry baby... i lowered my pride down. if i could be a slave i'd do so... i agreed to receive all the bitterness just to show my repentance. i gave everything... every bit of action that i know i could give and do to show that i mean it... i was true... i thought i don't need love back... that forgiveness was enough. but that would be hypocrisy, i do need to be loved. who doesn't?

all this time i thought things were going, progressing, we were picking up the pieces... the future is starting to show up once again. light was shining in little by little... i bragged to my friends how we've gone through every downfall in this relationship... they have looked up on us... i believed in us... the old us... the new us... was there ever a new us? everything was going fine... until...

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unconditional love... i always thought only God could give such love. yet, for a moment i was able to feel it... lived it... savored it... however, i guess like all the rest there will be just memories, and daydreaming of a love that is true. i still believe its there... waiting for us, ready for the taking. yet, for the unconditional love that you speak, you need to be ready and should be responsible enough. my change was too late...

i loved... i was loved... i still love... yet what's next?

i told my friend once: look... just talk to your girlfriend and for goodness sake lower your pride. if you let your pride take over, and she does the same you only end up creating a whole pile of pride dilemma. the question though is, what if both of you lost that pride? or was it really lost? or you just thought it was lost...

i pray to God that He gives me the strength to accept the next step... why do we have a heart to break? how do you let go of something you've worked for, blood, sweat and tears? how could you let go of your life? how could you let go of love? how could you accept that everything you've hoped for wouldn't work out anymore?

because all this time... it turned out that i am holding on to something that was only borrowed.