Unloading.

I used to base my strength on the number of people who come to me for advices. I had a number of friends before who trusted me with every bit of their life stories. Lately, things had gone silent. Ever since I started sharing the worst of myself it's like they had forgotten who I was. I became the one taken care of. But now that they're all gone, I feel so alone.

I don't like being confined and see the rest of them with different people. It's like if I go out everyone fears I would again do something stupid. Maybe no one trusts me anymore. In return I'm having a hard time trusting as well. But then again, when I do trust they have a point. I got scammed didn't I?

I'm emotional. I used to like having people tell me their emo-shit because I can relate to it. But now, I'm annoyed whenever someone tells me something that I find too simple yet grown into a complicated sitch that only they can fix. Especially from teens. Maybe it's because these aren't the friends I know. These are the ones who confide in me just because I happen to be around.

I want to feel important from those who are important to me. I want to feel that I can depend on them when I need them. But because we are all living separate lives, I have to deal with most stuffs on my own... but still trying to be there for them when they do come around to seek my help.

I know it's not right... but why do I feel like it's so unfair that I feel like they can't offer me the same openness I share with them?

*sigh* I wish for more strength... I badly need it.

I Don't Want You To Go

Just because I don't know how to express what I feel right now... or maybe I just don't want it read. I'm scared. I can't get over the fact... I'm... I'm still devastated. But I want to keep it to myself.

For now... I just want to share this old song:

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO

Here I am

Alone and I don't understand

Exactly how it all began

The dream just walked away

I'm holding on

When all but the passion's gone

And from the start

Maybe I was tryin' too hard

It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' my heart

Things can fall apart but I know

That I don't want you to go

And heroes die

When they ignore the cause inside

But they learned from what's left behind

And fight for something else

And so it goes

That we have both learned how to grow

And from the start

Maybe we were tryin' too hard

It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' our hearts

Things can fall apart, but I know

That I don't want you to go

(Oh) it's just too much

Takin' on the whole world all by myself

There's not enough

Unless I start trustin' somebody else

Somebody else and love again

And from the start

Maybe we were tryin' too hard

It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' our hearts

Things can fall apart, but I know

That I don't want you to go, no

Maybe we were tryin' too hard

It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' our hearts

Things can fall apart, but I know

That I don't want you to go

Oooh no, I don't want you to go

Say that you won't go

note: I couldn't find the mp3 yet... but I heard this awhile ago and, well, went emo over it. That's all for now. Ciao...

ICED COFFEE

It's probably about time I make use of what this blog is really intended for... coffee and coffee break rants. I believe my previous posts were more like sentiments instead of stories. So, let's start with a coffee recipe I love during hot afternoons.

Yeah, you read it right! What better solution to a hot afternoon for coffee addicts like me than an ICED COFFEE drink? Instead of the usual cold juice or fruit shakes, iced coffee really does great wonders in giving not only a refreshing feeling but keeping you active too. I know, I know, I'm a self confessed coffee addict so coffee really comes first.

You don't have to go to a coffee shop to do this... simply concoct a strong coffee with cream and sugar mix, add lots of ice in it, shake and stir, and presto: ICED COFFEE! It's that simple.

This recipe is something anyone can make at home so there's no need to worry about where to get the ingredients and all that... so what are you waiting for? Have a cold coffee drink already... I know I'm about to make one now. Care to join me?

Stay Alright

I'm okay.. I was okay.. it was a good morning.

Sigh.

I can't help feeling it. It's not funny. I'm keeping my emotions contained. I know I can do it.. it's just that I feel like I'm mocking myself.

I have to stay okay.. I have to stay strong. Focus...

I wish it's that easy to simply ignore this annoying feeling. I'm drowning in my own fear.

I'll just probably cry this fear away later...

I know I'll get in trouble again for this post... but I have no one else to talk to. Where's a mirror when you need one?

I looked pretty yesterday.. blooming actually.

Yeah... the last sentence made no sense.

Who? You!

in views of hating the world. this is a random writing as to the bursting remains of pain. i had kept hidden what i thought was nothing. but no... i have deprived myself of the ability to show off pain. and hate. therefore, here, i'll let go.

you... how could you? don't ask for my forgiveness. maybe i have given it already. but don't expect that i'll ever trust you again. no way. i can't actually consider you a friend now. you'll just be another acquaintance. what you did is beyond the limit of what i could endure. you probably were just at the wrong time to do such betrayal. had it been some other lifetime i could have just ignored it. so, i'm sorry girl if i choose not to open my door again to you.

you... yes you whom made me believe i'm an evil person. you, whom degraded me. blinded me with shameless accusations that i failed to see the fact that you are doing things equally or more than what i could've done. how dare you?

you... the two faced fool. you can't fool me. i can see the two sides of you, playing safe and all.

you... the every you that belittles me. watch as i move on. as i grow. as i bloom. you... there'd be lots of you in the world. but there'd only be one ME. the me that could withstand the many bad you's that would challenge my ability.

me... it will be ME on top of my life. me who'd control it... me who'll keep surviving... me who'll do it all... it won't be you.

if i'm not making sense, i wish you knew, that i didn't intend for you to understand... i'm simply expressing what i wish i had told you.

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Complications

I don't know what truly is my role in this complicated setup that I'm in. One side asks me to give up and be pure. The other only expects me to be there. My heart is out of tune. It couldn't even help direct my path. How are you going to choose between obvious options without feeling stupid?

Two dark roads diverged up ahead, but which one will I choose? The companion on the other side offers a light, while the other asks for my trust... I couldn't even be blamed playing safe because as far as I know, I chose the risk. It's sad though coz I haven't fully gotten my steps in my choice it's already scaring the shit out of me.

I don't wanna regret my decision that's for sure. But how am I going to face the humiliation both sides are framing me up with? I know both are being true, but up to what extent would they actually be there? Is it love? Pride? Ego? Or just a game?

Only God knows what... I just hope He wouldn't leave me all torn up and empty after. Soon enough, I will know the answer.

Fable: The Eagle and the Fly?

Have you ever been called a fly? well, I have. Imagine that? Someone told me I'm a house fly forcing myself to soar with the eagles. With a follow up comment saying "you're pretentious and assuming, how dare you even think you're clean..." and then it just wouldn't stop it kept going saying I'm prideful.. egoistic.. and so much more. My reaction? Nothing.

It thought I was hurt because I'm seeing a reflection of who I am. It even called me a bitch. Explaining that my friends also thinks so too. But that's just it... I wasn't affected about everything that it said. I'm more concerned with how the eagle talks... usually birds squawk... oh right... it did. all of it were one loud squawkadoodledoo...

While I was receiving these angry messages I couldn't help but giggle. It's like a little kid calling someone fat a pig. I could only imagine it's waving fingers widening it's mouth giving room for the tongue to wiggle right in front of me with "na-na-nanana" taunts... yup... a kid...

Oh well.. if it makes you happy, so be it... I just hope it does. Coz right now, the more I read about what happened, the more I ponder on the way that eagle squawked... the more I realized that his eaglessness majesty threw a tantrum at me.

who would ever want to fly with you? well I know myself that flying soooo high could only worsen the length of your fall... so go ahead, soar dear eagle... the sky is yours... I have no intention to be along sides you.

Good Luck!