Complications

I don't know what truly is my role in this complicated setup that I'm in. One side asks me to give up and be pure. The other only expects me to be there. My heart is out of tune. It couldn't even help direct my path. How are you going to choose between obvious options without feeling stupid?

Two dark roads diverged up ahead, but which one will I choose? The companion on the other side offers a light, while the other asks for my trust... I couldn't even be blamed playing safe because as far as I know, I chose the risk. It's sad though coz I haven't fully gotten my steps in my choice it's already scaring the shit out of me.

I don't wanna regret my decision that's for sure. But how am I going to face the humiliation both sides are framing me up with? I know both are being true, but up to what extent would they actually be there? Is it love? Pride? Ego? Or just a game?

Only God knows what... I just hope He wouldn't leave me all torn up and empty after. Soon enough, I will know the answer.

over a few bottles of beer

yup, i did say im addicted to coffee and the conversations that i was suppose to fill in here are during my coffee breaks before coming to the office. oh well, during my day off i went with my old group of friends, because it was some sort of emergency meeting. the cause? ME. as if im about to die. they just kept asking what's wrong with me and i told them part of the reasons why my face is as sour as that man's face on the vinegar commercial. actually my face is worse than that, and my eyes were dreading to burst with tears. i tried not to cry i must not.

and so after telling them the reason of my sad and depressed wishing to die face, they started telling me advises. the ever loving bunny gave me quite a lot, saying, i don't believe it, guys says the most stupid thing but he's different. i know he's got some good excuse and the bottom of it all is to avoid hurting you over and over again. remember that he's in a bad situation right now, and so alone. you should understand that. and i keep saying, i do... i do understand. i don't know what the cause is. all of a sudden im lost about what we're really arguing about?! oh well, it went on like that for hours and so.

anyway, the best quote that he left me would be this:

"every hard iron softens in the right amount of fire... and time."

i was awed. it is really not too often that this blabber 24/7 rascal mouth guy speaks something that actually made sense. he's a good friend but we're too the same that we contradict each other often. but this time, i was speechless. but that was only until he started talking non stop again about keep holding on, don't give up, he'll be back, we all have plans, he just wants the best for you, etc... etc... etc...

but he's right actually. and i told him... oh for goodness sake rabbit! im only crying and feeling lonely, but who says im letting go. im not giving up. i never will... i love that man and he has to bear with it whether he likes it or not.

i trust my man. i know what rabbit meant when he said all those stuffs. it is true. that he only sees what's best for me. but i need him. and i want him. that's why i guess i was holding on too tight.

things will be better. i pray it will... and forever, our relationship will always be in His hands. i know He'll keep this relationship safe. as always... :')

do you love me?

this is a post which i do not intend to make everyone understand. i'll be collecting responses instead.

i'm actually bothered... ironically my background music is "when we dance" by sting. anyway, i just want to leave a few questions in here:

is forgiveness enough to bring love back?
will that love stay true?

how do you heal a broken heart?

must i stop dreaming?

are you holding on to false hopes?

i won't cry this time.... there's only one person who knows what this questions are... i don't wanna be a burden. im tired of that. i don't wanna be loved because there's no other choice. and i don't wanna start believing in dreams again, if time will defy me in the future. i learned so much. but if its time to move on. i'll keep my tears away so you'll have the strength to do what You want.

icebreaker: LOVE

(excuse me for a little commercial from my heart... i tried to keep this blog as jolly and as reasonable as it could. but, things happen that i wanna tackle to make this blog more personal, so to speak.)

here it goes:

i admit... i've always said im sorry and i know im the one to be blamed. i know that every bit of pain im feeling right now is something i definitely deserve. i deserve it... its true: even my death wont be enough to make anyone forget the pain that i've caused. i deserve to live and suffer the torture from the consequences of my actions. yes, torture...

i begged like a kid who'd die if she loses her parents... yup... i cried like a hungry baby... i lowered my pride down. if i could be a slave i'd do so... i agreed to receive all the bitterness just to show my repentance. i gave everything... every bit of action that i know i could give and do to show that i mean it... i was true... i thought i don't need love back... that forgiveness was enough. but that would be hypocrisy, i do need to be loved. who doesn't?

all this time i thought things were going, progressing, we were picking up the pieces... the future is starting to show up once again. light was shining in little by little... i bragged to my friends how we've gone through every downfall in this relationship... they have looked up on us... i believed in us... the old us... the new us... was there ever a new us? everything was going fine... until...

<----- details erased----->

unconditional love... i always thought only God could give such love. yet, for a moment i was able to feel it... lived it... savored it... however, i guess like all the rest there will be just memories, and daydreaming of a love that is true. i still believe its there... waiting for us, ready for the taking. yet, for the unconditional love that you speak, you need to be ready and should be responsible enough. my change was too late...

i loved... i was loved... i still love... yet what's next?

i told my friend once: look... just talk to your girlfriend and for goodness sake lower your pride. if you let your pride take over, and she does the same you only end up creating a whole pile of pride dilemma. the question though is, what if both of you lost that pride? or was it really lost? or you just thought it was lost...

i pray to God that He gives me the strength to accept the next step... why do we have a heart to break? how do you let go of something you've worked for, blood, sweat and tears? how could you let go of your life? how could you let go of love? how could you accept that everything you've hoped for wouldn't work out anymore?

because all this time... it turned out that i am holding on to something that was only borrowed.