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"be content with what you have, that had always been a drill.

don't expect for so much, just stay on tract with the will.

must i always suppress my heart, must i learn to stay still?

maybe i would, if i was secured, with what you truly feel."

just a little rhyme to compliment my emotions right now. since last night i had been told by most of the people around, especially those that inspires me most: "stay on tract, keep it up. you're doing well. do this and don't do that... learn to seriously dwell."

there are a lot of things waiting to be done, stuffs that would bring me far. but my heart is so uneasy, i just can't do it without the enthusiasm. why is it so hard to find that thrill? when all you wanted is to be great and share it with. oh i found it so annoying, when you have to get somewhere by sacrificing all your longings.

-break rhyme-

this is what i hate when i start with rhymes, the whole entry just turns out like a pathetic poetry. oh well, glad that's off my chest. that's just it. i have so much to do, so much to think about but i can't focus. other matters bothers me and i just cant find that eager feeling to actually start doing and working. argh! the agony of trying to be patient... understanding everything. they're all asking me the same thing... patience... patience... patience... the mere word drives me to impatience. understand the situation its just temporary, everyone i talk to, they have the same excuse. may it be from a friend, or a family problem, understanding is the key, that's what you should do. yeah i do understand, but must it always be me to do the understanding alone? what about what i feel? i wanna be understood too! i guess even if im turning out so well in this 'controlling your emotion' state, i can't help but wonder: am i the only one to learn this lesson in my lifetime? everyone around me, i just have to understand and adjust? adjust at home, adjust at work, adjust in love...

-deep breathing: breathe in... breathe out...-

yup... im still okay. but for how long?

i badly need the strength... i badly need the guidance.

Lord, help me through...

over a few bottles of beer

yup, i did say im addicted to coffee and the conversations that i was suppose to fill in here are during my coffee breaks before coming to the office. oh well, during my day off i went with my old group of friends, because it was some sort of emergency meeting. the cause? ME. as if im about to die. they just kept asking what's wrong with me and i told them part of the reasons why my face is as sour as that man's face on the vinegar commercial. actually my face is worse than that, and my eyes were dreading to burst with tears. i tried not to cry i must not.

and so after telling them the reason of my sad and depressed wishing to die face, they started telling me advises. the ever loving bunny gave me quite a lot, saying, i don't believe it, guys says the most stupid thing but he's different. i know he's got some good excuse and the bottom of it all is to avoid hurting you over and over again. remember that he's in a bad situation right now, and so alone. you should understand that. and i keep saying, i do... i do understand. i don't know what the cause is. all of a sudden im lost about what we're really arguing about?! oh well, it went on like that for hours and so.

anyway, the best quote that he left me would be this:

"every hard iron softens in the right amount of fire... and time."

i was awed. it is really not too often that this blabber 24/7 rascal mouth guy speaks something that actually made sense. he's a good friend but we're too the same that we contradict each other often. but this time, i was speechless. but that was only until he started talking non stop again about keep holding on, don't give up, he'll be back, we all have plans, he just wants the best for you, etc... etc... etc...

but he's right actually. and i told him... oh for goodness sake rabbit! im only crying and feeling lonely, but who says im letting go. im not giving up. i never will... i love that man and he has to bear with it whether he likes it or not.

i trust my man. i know what rabbit meant when he said all those stuffs. it is true. that he only sees what's best for me. but i need him. and i want him. that's why i guess i was holding on too tight.

things will be better. i pray it will... and forever, our relationship will always be in His hands. i know He'll keep this relationship safe. as always... :')

stop or i'll jump!

my day was going real great today... had a nice time watching the store. a good online surf. achievement on a couple of things. inspired by the little blessings. cultivated by different changes.

anyway, i was on my way home... yup... after all the great things that happened to you, you're excited to be home and just savor a nice good rest.

but it happened. i rode the jeepney. there was just me, and an old man on it plus the driver. a woman who was dressed very at home, meaning not so good, wave the jeepney and came in. the driver was running the vehicle quite fast, for me that was well okay, eager to be home. then i heard a soft mumble of "para" (that's how you tell the jeepney to stop so you could go down) but it was really really low that even i who was sitting near her didn't think she actually said anything. i even thought she was talking to herself or something. these thoughts happened for only a split second i think coz i looked over to her side to check if she did say something but then all i saw was her back already on the steps out of the jeep! the jeep was speeding the hell on the road and she just walked out. all three of us saw her drop on the floor, then lay there not moving.

what i couldn't stand is that the driver slowed down to check through his rear view mirror, and i was expecting we'd stop and help, bring her to a hospital or something, but then the driver accelerated and went double the frequent speed and before i could react i realized i was already about to say "para" as well.

thoughts ran through my head: hoping that i'd be able to say it loud enough for the driver to hear... im thinking is this driver okay? he's driving too fast. he didn't help the woman. is he in his right mind or is his conscience killing him? would he stop if i ask him to? i just said "para" although numbly but loud enough i guess. with matching a knock on the roof.

im still in shock right now. i managed to memorize the jeepney's plate number. but what am i to do? in the end as i was walking home i just prayed so hard someone helped that woman... may God forgive me for not doing anything as well. i feel so darn confused but all i could do was pray that she's safe, and hope the driver came back to help her later in his drive.

what a night! God bless us always.

sometimes we really have to expect, the unexpected.

do you love me?

this is a post which i do not intend to make everyone understand. i'll be collecting responses instead.

i'm actually bothered... ironically my background music is "when we dance" by sting. anyway, i just want to leave a few questions in here:

is forgiveness enough to bring love back?
will that love stay true?

how do you heal a broken heart?

must i stop dreaming?

are you holding on to false hopes?

i won't cry this time.... there's only one person who knows what this questions are... i don't wanna be a burden. im tired of that. i don't wanna be loved because there's no other choice. and i don't wanna start believing in dreams again, if time will defy me in the future. i learned so much. but if its time to move on. i'll keep my tears away so you'll have the strength to do what You want.

icebreaker: LOVE

(excuse me for a little commercial from my heart... i tried to keep this blog as jolly and as reasonable as it could. but, things happen that i wanna tackle to make this blog more personal, so to speak.)

here it goes:

i admit... i've always said im sorry and i know im the one to be blamed. i know that every bit of pain im feeling right now is something i definitely deserve. i deserve it... its true: even my death wont be enough to make anyone forget the pain that i've caused. i deserve to live and suffer the torture from the consequences of my actions. yes, torture...

i begged like a kid who'd die if she loses her parents... yup... i cried like a hungry baby... i lowered my pride down. if i could be a slave i'd do so... i agreed to receive all the bitterness just to show my repentance. i gave everything... every bit of action that i know i could give and do to show that i mean it... i was true... i thought i don't need love back... that forgiveness was enough. but that would be hypocrisy, i do need to be loved. who doesn't?

all this time i thought things were going, progressing, we were picking up the pieces... the future is starting to show up once again. light was shining in little by little... i bragged to my friends how we've gone through every downfall in this relationship... they have looked up on us... i believed in us... the old us... the new us... was there ever a new us? everything was going fine... until...

<----- details erased----->

unconditional love... i always thought only God could give such love. yet, for a moment i was able to feel it... lived it... savored it... however, i guess like all the rest there will be just memories, and daydreaming of a love that is true. i still believe its there... waiting for us, ready for the taking. yet, for the unconditional love that you speak, you need to be ready and should be responsible enough. my change was too late...

i loved... i was loved... i still love... yet what's next?

i told my friend once: look... just talk to your girlfriend and for goodness sake lower your pride. if you let your pride take over, and she does the same you only end up creating a whole pile of pride dilemma. the question though is, what if both of you lost that pride? or was it really lost? or you just thought it was lost...

i pray to God that He gives me the strength to accept the next step... why do we have a heart to break? how do you let go of something you've worked for, blood, sweat and tears? how could you let go of your life? how could you let go of love? how could you accept that everything you've hoped for wouldn't work out anymore?

because all this time... it turned out that i am holding on to something that was only borrowed.