Patience Don't Desert Me

I don't know why he keeps insisting I let go. That if I can't take it anymore I better just give the relationship up. It's not fair. Why is he making me decide? I don't see any problem with me. I'm doing my best to not let it be a problem with me, and make it my problem. It's just that he's the one who seems to be so eager to end this damned relationship.

I understand he's in a lot of stress lately. I just feel so terrible because I know I've exerted enough effort for this relationship this time. I meant everything I said about the guilt that killed me before. My mistakes, yeah... I know that. I KNOW THAT! And there's not a day that I don't regret it. It now feels like I'm being punished. Is he punishing me this way? It sure feels like it. I don't want my mind to wander off just because I'm dying because of what he's doing to me.

Instead of feeling appreciated I'm still around he wants me to go. Why can't he be the one to let go if he badly wants that!?

or better yet.. just kill me...

Unloading.

I used to base my strength on the number of people who come to me for advices. I had a number of friends before who trusted me with every bit of their life stories. Lately, things had gone silent. Ever since I started sharing the worst of myself it's like they had forgotten who I was. I became the one taken care of. But now that they're all gone, I feel so alone.

I don't like being confined and see the rest of them with different people. It's like if I go out everyone fears I would again do something stupid. Maybe no one trusts me anymore. In return I'm having a hard time trusting as well. But then again, when I do trust they have a point. I got scammed didn't I?

I'm emotional. I used to like having people tell me their emo-shit because I can relate to it. But now, I'm annoyed whenever someone tells me something that I find too simple yet grown into a complicated sitch that only they can fix. Especially from teens. Maybe it's because these aren't the friends I know. These are the ones who confide in me just because I happen to be around.

I want to feel important from those who are important to me. I want to feel that I can depend on them when I need them. But because we are all living separate lives, I have to deal with most stuffs on my own... but still trying to be there for them when they do come around to seek my help.

I know it's not right... but why do I feel like it's so unfair that I feel like they can't offer me the same openness I share with them?

*sigh* I wish for more strength... I badly need it.

I Don't Want You To Go

Just because I don't know how to express what I feel right now... or maybe I just don't want it read. I'm scared. I can't get over the fact... I'm... I'm still devastated. But I want to keep it to myself.

For now... I just want to share this old song:

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO

Here I am

Alone and I don't understand

Exactly how it all began

The dream just walked away

I'm holding on

When all but the passion's gone

And from the start

Maybe I was tryin' too hard

It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' my heart

Things can fall apart but I know

That I don't want you to go

And heroes die

When they ignore the cause inside

But they learned from what's left behind

And fight for something else

And so it goes

That we have both learned how to grow

And from the start

Maybe we were tryin' too hard

It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' our hearts

Things can fall apart, but I know

That I don't want you to go

(Oh) it's just too much

Takin' on the whole world all by myself

There's not enough

Unless I start trustin' somebody else

Somebody else and love again

And from the start

Maybe we were tryin' too hard

It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' our hearts

Things can fall apart, but I know

That I don't want you to go, no

Maybe we were tryin' too hard

It's crazy 'cause it's breakin' our hearts

Things can fall apart, but I know

That I don't want you to go

Oooh no, I don't want you to go

Say that you won't go

note: I couldn't find the mp3 yet... but I heard this awhile ago and, well, went emo over it. That's all for now. Ciao...

ICED COFFEE

It's probably about time I make use of what this blog is really intended for... coffee and coffee break rants. I believe my previous posts were more like sentiments instead of stories. So, let's start with a coffee recipe I love during hot afternoons.

Yeah, you read it right! What better solution to a hot afternoon for coffee addicts like me than an ICED COFFEE drink? Instead of the usual cold juice or fruit shakes, iced coffee really does great wonders in giving not only a refreshing feeling but keeping you active too. I know, I know, I'm a self confessed coffee addict so coffee really comes first.

You don't have to go to a coffee shop to do this... simply concoct a strong coffee with cream and sugar mix, add lots of ice in it, shake and stir, and presto: ICED COFFEE! It's that simple.

This recipe is something anyone can make at home so there's no need to worry about where to get the ingredients and all that... so what are you waiting for? Have a cold coffee drink already... I know I'm about to make one now. Care to join me?

Stay Alright

I'm okay.. I was okay.. it was a good morning.

Sigh.

I can't help feeling it. It's not funny. I'm keeping my emotions contained. I know I can do it.. it's just that I feel like I'm mocking myself.

I have to stay okay.. I have to stay strong. Focus...

I wish it's that easy to simply ignore this annoying feeling. I'm drowning in my own fear.

I'll just probably cry this fear away later...

I know I'll get in trouble again for this post... but I have no one else to talk to. Where's a mirror when you need one?

I looked pretty yesterday.. blooming actually.

Yeah... the last sentence made no sense.