Unloading.

I used to base my strength on the number of people who come to me for advices. I had a number of friends before who trusted me with every bit of their life stories. Lately, things had gone silent. Ever since I started sharing the worst of myself it's like they had forgotten who I was. I became the one taken care of. But now that they're all gone, I feel so alone.

I don't like being confined and see the rest of them with different people. It's like if I go out everyone fears I would again do something stupid. Maybe no one trusts me anymore. In return I'm having a hard time trusting as well. But then again, when I do trust they have a point. I got scammed didn't I?

I'm emotional. I used to like having people tell me their emo-shit because I can relate to it. But now, I'm annoyed whenever someone tells me something that I find too simple yet grown into a complicated sitch that only they can fix. Especially from teens. Maybe it's because these aren't the friends I know. These are the ones who confide in me just because I happen to be around.

I want to feel important from those who are important to me. I want to feel that I can depend on them when I need them. But because we are all living separate lives, I have to deal with most stuffs on my own... but still trying to be there for them when they do come around to seek my help.

I know it's not right... but why do I feel like it's so unfair that I feel like they can't offer me the same openness I share with them?

*sigh* I wish for more strength... I badly need it.

Complications

I don't know what truly is my role in this complicated setup that I'm in. One side asks me to give up and be pure. The other only expects me to be there. My heart is out of tune. It couldn't even help direct my path. How are you going to choose between obvious options without feeling stupid?

Two dark roads diverged up ahead, but which one will I choose? The companion on the other side offers a light, while the other asks for my trust... I couldn't even be blamed playing safe because as far as I know, I chose the risk. It's sad though coz I haven't fully gotten my steps in my choice it's already scaring the shit out of me.

I don't wanna regret my decision that's for sure. But how am I going to face the humiliation both sides are framing me up with? I know both are being true, but up to what extent would they actually be there? Is it love? Pride? Ego? Or just a game?

Only God knows what... I just hope He wouldn't leave me all torn up and empty after. Soon enough, I will know the answer.

I'm Sorry

It was as always, a wave of emotion that I couldn't easily control. After hearing about that incident regarding my father being brought to the hospital, pictures of the family that I live with, how fine things are going somehow and the idea that my father has no one with him but his siblings and nothing more, I dared not go home early. I didn't know what was running inside my head, except that fear that I might say something hurtful.

Hurt with facts that I suddenly questioned why I'm here. Why did we leave our father there? How will my mom react to that news. Would she be worried? Would she be interested besides the thought that she will be for us but other than that there's just nothing more left... I don't know. I feared I'd feel bitter seeing my mom, my step dad, and their kids while my own father lies in the hospital. Old... Growing older by the minute. Yes, it was wrong. The time that I spent on my own should have been the only time it'll be answered but I backed out. I was just too afraid anger would break lose from me. So, I confined myself away. Mistake, yes. I just felt I had to.

I have no other memory of him besides those that I and my brother spent with him during our childhood. That's all. I envy those who grew up debating and arguing with their own dad, because at least that way wisdom is being passed on, one way or another. Some would say you can always have more memories with your step dad, the same stuffs you could've done with your own father. But that's just it. He's still alive yet why can't I have that experience with him?

Of those little memories, what brought me to tears last night until I fell asleep was that tiny voice when I was eleven, "I won't let anything break this family."

A year later, me, my mom and my brothers flew here and lived with our step dad.

unheard

sometimes, no matter what you do it'll never be enough. not if you've done too much to lose that trust.

i wonder... why it could be easy for someone to just ask you to step aside. to close the door for awhile behind you, leaving you the feeling that you can't do anything there. yes... that's it. there's just nothing you can do. what can i do then? oh right. leave in silence and shut up.

that's what i hate actually, times where you do decide to speak up but it makes things worst. tell me not to feel insecure when you thought you've said something right but ended up being shut.

i just had to let this all out for a while. i don't have my usual friend to talk too. she's out of town. so i really have no one but this. maybe i'd shut off the comment board as well? just to keep the game rolling? but no. i don't really know what i want. just some sense, and some importance, acknowledgement, and appreciation. nothing more. oh yeah... and real trust. sigh...

till later.