Complications

I don't know what truly is my role in this complicated setup that I'm in. One side asks me to give up and be pure. The other only expects me to be there. My heart is out of tune. It couldn't even help direct my path. How are you going to choose between obvious options without feeling stupid?

Two dark roads diverged up ahead, but which one will I choose? The companion on the other side offers a light, while the other asks for my trust... I couldn't even be blamed playing safe because as far as I know, I chose the risk. It's sad though coz I haven't fully gotten my steps in my choice it's already scaring the shit out of me.

I don't wanna regret my decision that's for sure. But how am I going to face the humiliation both sides are framing me up with? I know both are being true, but up to what extent would they actually be there? Is it love? Pride? Ego? Or just a game?

Only God knows what... I just hope He wouldn't leave me all torn up and empty after. Soon enough, I will know the answer.

Fable: The Eagle and the Fly?

Have you ever been called a fly? well, I have. Imagine that? Someone told me I'm a house fly forcing myself to soar with the eagles. With a follow up comment saying "you're pretentious and assuming, how dare you even think you're clean..." and then it just wouldn't stop it kept going saying I'm prideful.. egoistic.. and so much more. My reaction? Nothing.

It thought I was hurt because I'm seeing a reflection of who I am. It even called me a bitch. Explaining that my friends also thinks so too. But that's just it... I wasn't affected about everything that it said. I'm more concerned with how the eagle talks... usually birds squawk... oh right... it did. all of it were one loud squawkadoodledoo...

While I was receiving these angry messages I couldn't help but giggle. It's like a little kid calling someone fat a pig. I could only imagine it's waving fingers widening it's mouth giving room for the tongue to wiggle right in front of me with "na-na-nanana" taunts... yup... a kid...

Oh well.. if it makes you happy, so be it... I just hope it does. Coz right now, the more I read about what happened, the more I ponder on the way that eagle squawked... the more I realized that his eaglessness majesty threw a tantrum at me.

who would ever want to fly with you? well I know myself that flying soooo high could only worsen the length of your fall... so go ahead, soar dear eagle... the sky is yours... I have no intention to be along sides you.

Good Luck!

I'm Sorry

It was as always, a wave of emotion that I couldn't easily control. After hearing about that incident regarding my father being brought to the hospital, pictures of the family that I live with, how fine things are going somehow and the idea that my father has no one with him but his siblings and nothing more, I dared not go home early. I didn't know what was running inside my head, except that fear that I might say something hurtful.

Hurt with facts that I suddenly questioned why I'm here. Why did we leave our father there? How will my mom react to that news. Would she be worried? Would she be interested besides the thought that she will be for us but other than that there's just nothing more left... I don't know. I feared I'd feel bitter seeing my mom, my step dad, and their kids while my own father lies in the hospital. Old... Growing older by the minute. Yes, it was wrong. The time that I spent on my own should have been the only time it'll be answered but I backed out. I was just too afraid anger would break lose from me. So, I confined myself away. Mistake, yes. I just felt I had to.

I have no other memory of him besides those that I and my brother spent with him during our childhood. That's all. I envy those who grew up debating and arguing with their own dad, because at least that way wisdom is being passed on, one way or another. Some would say you can always have more memories with your step dad, the same stuffs you could've done with your own father. But that's just it. He's still alive yet why can't I have that experience with him?

Of those little memories, what brought me to tears last night until I fell asleep was that tiny voice when I was eleven, "I won't let anything break this family."

A year later, me, my mom and my brothers flew here and lived with our step dad.

Expectation Fever: I'm Sick

im not good with emotional pressure... or is it, too much pressure makes me emotional? being emotional is a pressure? whichever...

expectations. don't they suck?

that's what usually binds all abilities and capabilities. all these expectations. suppressed. that's what happens. when people starts living their fears on you, you end up overloaded with suffocating expectations.

aren't we suppose to make our own ghosts? why do we have to runaway from someone else's monster?

some may suggest and comment on why not simply ignore it and start living your own life? if only it was that easy. when you live with people you love you often tend to not want to disappoint them. you want to live up to what they want from you. you expect that whatever they suggest (which you instantly believe anyway) will work. you look up to how they inspire you and in the end you go deeper, digging your set of failures.

that's what happens:

... you fail them. you fail yourself.

you gain nothing but realization that no matter what you do, you can never be happy until you've freed yourself from the chains of their monsters.

but how? how do you do that? struggle? strife?

to runaway is cowardly. to stay is suicide. now what?

if only i could paint well you'd see a girl cowered in one corner with all these ghostly hunted figures towering her existence. some say the more they expect from you, the more they trust you. but how could you believe they do trust you when not one thing works for them.

lack. not enough. that's always the major comment. how much more is needed? what else can you do?

they say worrying can drive you loco. but if you don't have any other option, worrying is the only response you can muster.

sigh.

life.

it's just full of it. :(

over a few bottles of beer

yup, i did say im addicted to coffee and the conversations that i was suppose to fill in here are during my coffee breaks before coming to the office. oh well, during my day off i went with my old group of friends, because it was some sort of emergency meeting. the cause? ME. as if im about to die. they just kept asking what's wrong with me and i told them part of the reasons why my face is as sour as that man's face on the vinegar commercial. actually my face is worse than that, and my eyes were dreading to burst with tears. i tried not to cry i must not.

and so after telling them the reason of my sad and depressed wishing to die face, they started telling me advises. the ever loving bunny gave me quite a lot, saying, i don't believe it, guys says the most stupid thing but he's different. i know he's got some good excuse and the bottom of it all is to avoid hurting you over and over again. remember that he's in a bad situation right now, and so alone. you should understand that. and i keep saying, i do... i do understand. i don't know what the cause is. all of a sudden im lost about what we're really arguing about?! oh well, it went on like that for hours and so.

anyway, the best quote that he left me would be this:

"every hard iron softens in the right amount of fire... and time."

i was awed. it is really not too often that this blabber 24/7 rascal mouth guy speaks something that actually made sense. he's a good friend but we're too the same that we contradict each other often. but this time, i was speechless. but that was only until he started talking non stop again about keep holding on, don't give up, he'll be back, we all have plans, he just wants the best for you, etc... etc... etc...

but he's right actually. and i told him... oh for goodness sake rabbit! im only crying and feeling lonely, but who says im letting go. im not giving up. i never will... i love that man and he has to bear with it whether he likes it or not.

i trust my man. i know what rabbit meant when he said all those stuffs. it is true. that he only sees what's best for me. but i need him. and i want him. that's why i guess i was holding on too tight.

things will be better. i pray it will... and forever, our relationship will always be in His hands. i know He'll keep this relationship safe. as always... :')

stop or i'll jump!

my day was going real great today... had a nice time watching the store. a good online surf. achievement on a couple of things. inspired by the little blessings. cultivated by different changes.

anyway, i was on my way home... yup... after all the great things that happened to you, you're excited to be home and just savor a nice good rest.

but it happened. i rode the jeepney. there was just me, and an old man on it plus the driver. a woman who was dressed very at home, meaning not so good, wave the jeepney and came in. the driver was running the vehicle quite fast, for me that was well okay, eager to be home. then i heard a soft mumble of "para" (that's how you tell the jeepney to stop so you could go down) but it was really really low that even i who was sitting near her didn't think she actually said anything. i even thought she was talking to herself or something. these thoughts happened for only a split second i think coz i looked over to her side to check if she did say something but then all i saw was her back already on the steps out of the jeep! the jeep was speeding the hell on the road and she just walked out. all three of us saw her drop on the floor, then lay there not moving.

what i couldn't stand is that the driver slowed down to check through his rear view mirror, and i was expecting we'd stop and help, bring her to a hospital or something, but then the driver accelerated and went double the frequent speed and before i could react i realized i was already about to say "para" as well.

thoughts ran through my head: hoping that i'd be able to say it loud enough for the driver to hear... im thinking is this driver okay? he's driving too fast. he didn't help the woman. is he in his right mind or is his conscience killing him? would he stop if i ask him to? i just said "para" although numbly but loud enough i guess. with matching a knock on the roof.

im still in shock right now. i managed to memorize the jeepney's plate number. but what am i to do? in the end as i was walking home i just prayed so hard someone helped that woman... may God forgive me for not doing anything as well. i feel so darn confused but all i could do was pray that she's safe, and hope the driver came back to help her later in his drive.

what a night! God bless us always.

sometimes we really have to expect, the unexpected.

do you love me?

this is a post which i do not intend to make everyone understand. i'll be collecting responses instead.

i'm actually bothered... ironically my background music is "when we dance" by sting. anyway, i just want to leave a few questions in here:

is forgiveness enough to bring love back?
will that love stay true?

how do you heal a broken heart?

must i stop dreaming?

are you holding on to false hopes?

i won't cry this time.... there's only one person who knows what this questions are... i don't wanna be a burden. im tired of that. i don't wanna be loved because there's no other choice. and i don't wanna start believing in dreams again, if time will defy me in the future. i learned so much. but if its time to move on. i'll keep my tears away so you'll have the strength to do what You want.

icebreaker: LOVE

(excuse me for a little commercial from my heart... i tried to keep this blog as jolly and as reasonable as it could. but, things happen that i wanna tackle to make this blog more personal, so to speak.)

here it goes:

i admit... i've always said im sorry and i know im the one to be blamed. i know that every bit of pain im feeling right now is something i definitely deserve. i deserve it... its true: even my death wont be enough to make anyone forget the pain that i've caused. i deserve to live and suffer the torture from the consequences of my actions. yes, torture...

i begged like a kid who'd die if she loses her parents... yup... i cried like a hungry baby... i lowered my pride down. if i could be a slave i'd do so... i agreed to receive all the bitterness just to show my repentance. i gave everything... every bit of action that i know i could give and do to show that i mean it... i was true... i thought i don't need love back... that forgiveness was enough. but that would be hypocrisy, i do need to be loved. who doesn't?

all this time i thought things were going, progressing, we were picking up the pieces... the future is starting to show up once again. light was shining in little by little... i bragged to my friends how we've gone through every downfall in this relationship... they have looked up on us... i believed in us... the old us... the new us... was there ever a new us? everything was going fine... until...

<----- details erased----->

unconditional love... i always thought only God could give such love. yet, for a moment i was able to feel it... lived it... savored it... however, i guess like all the rest there will be just memories, and daydreaming of a love that is true. i still believe its there... waiting for us, ready for the taking. yet, for the unconditional love that you speak, you need to be ready and should be responsible enough. my change was too late...

i loved... i was loved... i still love... yet what's next?

i told my friend once: look... just talk to your girlfriend and for goodness sake lower your pride. if you let your pride take over, and she does the same you only end up creating a whole pile of pride dilemma. the question though is, what if both of you lost that pride? or was it really lost? or you just thought it was lost...

i pray to God that He gives me the strength to accept the next step... why do we have a heart to break? how do you let go of something you've worked for, blood, sweat and tears? how could you let go of your life? how could you let go of love? how could you accept that everything you've hoped for wouldn't work out anymore?

because all this time... it turned out that i am holding on to something that was only borrowed.