Complications

I don't know what truly is my role in this complicated setup that I'm in. One side asks me to give up and be pure. The other only expects me to be there. My heart is out of tune. It couldn't even help direct my path. How are you going to choose between obvious options without feeling stupid?

Two dark roads diverged up ahead, but which one will I choose? The companion on the other side offers a light, while the other asks for my trust... I couldn't even be blamed playing safe because as far as I know, I chose the risk. It's sad though coz I haven't fully gotten my steps in my choice it's already scaring the shit out of me.

I don't wanna regret my decision that's for sure. But how am I going to face the humiliation both sides are framing me up with? I know both are being true, but up to what extent would they actually be there? Is it love? Pride? Ego? Or just a game?

Only God knows what... I just hope He wouldn't leave me all torn up and empty after. Soon enough, I will know the answer.

I'm Sorry

It was as always, a wave of emotion that I couldn't easily control. After hearing about that incident regarding my father being brought to the hospital, pictures of the family that I live with, how fine things are going somehow and the idea that my father has no one with him but his siblings and nothing more, I dared not go home early. I didn't know what was running inside my head, except that fear that I might say something hurtful.

Hurt with facts that I suddenly questioned why I'm here. Why did we leave our father there? How will my mom react to that news. Would she be worried? Would she be interested besides the thought that she will be for us but other than that there's just nothing more left... I don't know. I feared I'd feel bitter seeing my mom, my step dad, and their kids while my own father lies in the hospital. Old... Growing older by the minute. Yes, it was wrong. The time that I spent on my own should have been the only time it'll be answered but I backed out. I was just too afraid anger would break lose from me. So, I confined myself away. Mistake, yes. I just felt I had to.

I have no other memory of him besides those that I and my brother spent with him during our childhood. That's all. I envy those who grew up debating and arguing with their own dad, because at least that way wisdom is being passed on, one way or another. Some would say you can always have more memories with your step dad, the same stuffs you could've done with your own father. But that's just it. He's still alive yet why can't I have that experience with him?

Of those little memories, what brought me to tears last night until I fell asleep was that tiny voice when I was eleven, "I won't let anything break this family."

A year later, me, my mom and my brothers flew here and lived with our step dad.

chances?

this really won't make sense... not at all... its just one of those times where you come to look at your past and ask:

What happened? what went wrong? Why it happened? when will it all be okay?

somehow things for me are going neat. although its quite bumpy and not so perfect, somehow life is going great for me. but when i look around me, it leaves me hoping... if only things didn't go so far off, maybe... maybe life would be better right now. its not that im burdened so bad, no not at all.

half of me wants to end it. i want my own peace. but then again i end up asking myeslf, if things will do come to better terms, would it really be that okay again? will you be able to fill that gap that grew out of the times of bitterness and all that? will it really be that great? will i ever learn to trust?

everything that happened to me, i am grateful. sad, agonizing memories that when i look back i know those are the reasons why i am like this now. im trying to fix the learning. the real essence of what i should've learned way back. but some things.. some things i just dont understand.

there are stuffs that i wanna have again. but would it be worth it? maybe i really shouldn't be part of that memory. i was just an added spice. if only i could just look forward without having to forget. which i know i never would.

sigh...

some things are just left open for chances.