Complications

I don't know what truly is my role in this complicated setup that I'm in. One side asks me to give up and be pure. The other only expects me to be there. My heart is out of tune. It couldn't even help direct my path. How are you going to choose between obvious options without feeling stupid?

Two dark roads diverged up ahead, but which one will I choose? The companion on the other side offers a light, while the other asks for my trust... I couldn't even be blamed playing safe because as far as I know, I chose the risk. It's sad though coz I haven't fully gotten my steps in my choice it's already scaring the shit out of me.

I don't wanna regret my decision that's for sure. But how am I going to face the humiliation both sides are framing me up with? I know both are being true, but up to what extent would they actually be there? Is it love? Pride? Ego? Or just a game?

Only God knows what... I just hope He wouldn't leave me all torn up and empty after. Soon enough, I will know the answer.

WRONG

the last thing I needed was someone telling me how wrong I was. i'm already sulking, yet it just had to be squeezed dry. i needed some air. i wanted to think. i didn't actually run to a friend, i simply went to a place where i could lessen the building pain, anger, wonder, worry... yes, there was something wrong with it. i was wrong.

i always have been that awfully wrong. and maybe... maybe it was wrong too that you know so much. so much that you use it on me nonstop.

im definitely wrong for you. i'll let it rest there.

I'm Sorry

It was as always, a wave of emotion that I couldn't easily control. After hearing about that incident regarding my father being brought to the hospital, pictures of the family that I live with, how fine things are going somehow and the idea that my father has no one with him but his siblings and nothing more, I dared not go home early. I didn't know what was running inside my head, except that fear that I might say something hurtful.

Hurt with facts that I suddenly questioned why I'm here. Why did we leave our father there? How will my mom react to that news. Would she be worried? Would she be interested besides the thought that she will be for us but other than that there's just nothing more left... I don't know. I feared I'd feel bitter seeing my mom, my step dad, and their kids while my own father lies in the hospital. Old... Growing older by the minute. Yes, it was wrong. The time that I spent on my own should have been the only time it'll be answered but I backed out. I was just too afraid anger would break lose from me. So, I confined myself away. Mistake, yes. I just felt I had to.

I have no other memory of him besides those that I and my brother spent with him during our childhood. That's all. I envy those who grew up debating and arguing with their own dad, because at least that way wisdom is being passed on, one way or another. Some would say you can always have more memories with your step dad, the same stuffs you could've done with your own father. But that's just it. He's still alive yet why can't I have that experience with him?

Of those little memories, what brought me to tears last night until I fell asleep was that tiny voice when I was eleven, "I won't let anything break this family."

A year later, me, my mom and my brothers flew here and lived with our step dad.

Expectation Fever: I'm Sick

im not good with emotional pressure... or is it, too much pressure makes me emotional? being emotional is a pressure? whichever...

expectations. don't they suck?

that's what usually binds all abilities and capabilities. all these expectations. suppressed. that's what happens. when people starts living their fears on you, you end up overloaded with suffocating expectations.

aren't we suppose to make our own ghosts? why do we have to runaway from someone else's monster?

some may suggest and comment on why not simply ignore it and start living your own life? if only it was that easy. when you live with people you love you often tend to not want to disappoint them. you want to live up to what they want from you. you expect that whatever they suggest (which you instantly believe anyway) will work. you look up to how they inspire you and in the end you go deeper, digging your set of failures.

that's what happens:

... you fail them. you fail yourself.

you gain nothing but realization that no matter what you do, you can never be happy until you've freed yourself from the chains of their monsters.

but how? how do you do that? struggle? strife?

to runaway is cowardly. to stay is suicide. now what?

if only i could paint well you'd see a girl cowered in one corner with all these ghostly hunted figures towering her existence. some say the more they expect from you, the more they trust you. but how could you believe they do trust you when not one thing works for them.

lack. not enough. that's always the major comment. how much more is needed? what else can you do?

they say worrying can drive you loco. but if you don't have any other option, worrying is the only response you can muster.

sigh.

life.

it's just full of it. :(

leap...

i was trying to be optimistic... trying to do stuffs i didn't find worth focusing on before. imagining myself growing older with the amount of responsibilities i'm taking in. happy to show them and tell them to the world. although the child in me is in outrage at the new change, i simply tried to go with the new phase i'm taking.

still... that's just it... i can never be perfect.

most of the people i know, friends, and new acquaintances, even my own mom ask advice from me sometimes. ideas that i feel helpful. and somehow, most of them regard me as someone with utmost wisdom. they even compliment me saying how could i be so understanding, patient, and what a strong woman, that i hardly believe it.

because, i can never be that strong... nor that proud.

i thought i was doing well... i tried preventing myself from doing extreme decisions. especially if it is under the impression of exaggeration. but right now... i just can't bear the idea that i didn't do anything, nor said a word, that might trigger the outbursts...

so, yeah... i have to find my old self...