Unloading.

I used to base my strength on the number of people who come to me for advices. I had a number of friends before who trusted me with every bit of their life stories. Lately, things had gone silent. Ever since I started sharing the worst of myself it's like they had forgotten who I was. I became the one taken care of. But now that they're all gone, I feel so alone.

I don't like being confined and see the rest of them with different people. It's like if I go out everyone fears I would again do something stupid. Maybe no one trusts me anymore. In return I'm having a hard time trusting as well. But then again, when I do trust they have a point. I got scammed didn't I?

I'm emotional. I used to like having people tell me their emo-shit because I can relate to it. But now, I'm annoyed whenever someone tells me something that I find too simple yet grown into a complicated sitch that only they can fix. Especially from teens. Maybe it's because these aren't the friends I know. These are the ones who confide in me just because I happen to be around.

I want to feel important from those who are important to me. I want to feel that I can depend on them when I need them. But because we are all living separate lives, I have to deal with most stuffs on my own... but still trying to be there for them when they do come around to seek my help.

I know it's not right... but why do I feel like it's so unfair that I feel like they can't offer me the same openness I share with them?

*sigh* I wish for more strength... I badly need it.

Who? You!

in views of hating the world. this is a random writing as to the bursting remains of pain. i had kept hidden what i thought was nothing. but no... i have deprived myself of the ability to show off pain. and hate. therefore, here, i'll let go.

you... how could you? don't ask for my forgiveness. maybe i have given it already. but don't expect that i'll ever trust you again. no way. i can't actually consider you a friend now. you'll just be another acquaintance. what you did is beyond the limit of what i could endure. you probably were just at the wrong time to do such betrayal. had it been some other lifetime i could have just ignored it. so, i'm sorry girl if i choose not to open my door again to you.

you... yes you whom made me believe i'm an evil person. you, whom degraded me. blinded me with shameless accusations that i failed to see the fact that you are doing things equally or more than what i could've done. how dare you?

you... the two faced fool. you can't fool me. i can see the two sides of you, playing safe and all.

you... the every you that belittles me. watch as i move on. as i grow. as i bloom. you... there'd be lots of you in the world. but there'd only be one ME. the me that could withstand the many bad you's that would challenge my ability.

me... it will be ME on top of my life. me who'd control it... me who'll keep surviving... me who'll do it all... it won't be you.

if i'm not making sense, i wish you knew, that i didn't intend for you to understand... i'm simply expressing what i wish i had told you.