Who? You!

in views of hating the world. this is a random writing as to the bursting remains of pain. i had kept hidden what i thought was nothing. but no... i have deprived myself of the ability to show off pain. and hate. therefore, here, i'll let go.

you... how could you? don't ask for my forgiveness. maybe i have given it already. but don't expect that i'll ever trust you again. no way. i can't actually consider you a friend now. you'll just be another acquaintance. what you did is beyond the limit of what i could endure. you probably were just at the wrong time to do such betrayal. had it been some other lifetime i could have just ignored it. so, i'm sorry girl if i choose not to open my door again to you.

you... yes you whom made me believe i'm an evil person. you, whom degraded me. blinded me with shameless accusations that i failed to see the fact that you are doing things equally or more than what i could've done. how dare you?

you... the two faced fool. you can't fool me. i can see the two sides of you, playing safe and all.

you... the every you that belittles me. watch as i move on. as i grow. as i bloom. you... there'd be lots of you in the world. but there'd only be one ME. the me that could withstand the many bad you's that would challenge my ability.

me... it will be ME on top of my life. me who'd control it... me who'll keep surviving... me who'll do it all... it won't be you.

if i'm not making sense, i wish you knew, that i didn't intend for you to understand... i'm simply expressing what i wish i had told you.

Expectation Fever: I'm Sick

im not good with emotional pressure... or is it, too much pressure makes me emotional? being emotional is a pressure? whichever...

expectations. don't they suck?

that's what usually binds all abilities and capabilities. all these expectations. suppressed. that's what happens. when people starts living their fears on you, you end up overloaded with suffocating expectations.

aren't we suppose to make our own ghosts? why do we have to runaway from someone else's monster?

some may suggest and comment on why not simply ignore it and start living your own life? if only it was that easy. when you live with people you love you often tend to not want to disappoint them. you want to live up to what they want from you. you expect that whatever they suggest (which you instantly believe anyway) will work. you look up to how they inspire you and in the end you go deeper, digging your set of failures.

that's what happens:

... you fail them. you fail yourself.

you gain nothing but realization that no matter what you do, you can never be happy until you've freed yourself from the chains of their monsters.

but how? how do you do that? struggle? strife?

to runaway is cowardly. to stay is suicide. now what?

if only i could paint well you'd see a girl cowered in one corner with all these ghostly hunted figures towering her existence. some say the more they expect from you, the more they trust you. but how could you believe they do trust you when not one thing works for them.

lack. not enough. that's always the major comment. how much more is needed? what else can you do?

they say worrying can drive you loco. but if you don't have any other option, worrying is the only response you can muster.

sigh.

life.

it's just full of it. :(

Taking Chances

fine! i can't take it anymore... i decided to sacrifice my phone bills for a while to make way for my annoying craving to buy myself a gadget that i'd appreciate. so, yeah... fingers crossed i took my chances on ordering online for a cheap 1g iPod nano with expandable memory.

well... i know i can never afford the real deal because if i do get to save enough for it (the original stuff) i'd probably end up keeping the money instead. haha! hmm... i don't know if i made the right decision but i'm known to jump into deep waters, so there! i'd face the consequences after. i always do.

:( i just hope its not that bad... looks fine anyway.

just doing some rants...

now... if i could only find that second hand 12in laptop and a connection that would get it for me... that would be my next target. i hate craving for things! it drives me nuts!!!! :D

smiley crazy...

have you seen the new smiley on my tagboard in my other blog??? the silly looking anime sort of gifs? yeah... for two nights now i've beent tweaking my blog's html to try and store those smileys to show up on my post. could't sleep actually knowing that other bloggers were able to install it. :( well it worked here and this is a beta version. that's something to start with. but i have no idea how to do it in my home blog. argh! this had been driving me nuts.

add in my longing to buy my own laptop. just the small one of at least 12.1inches or something. i'm also eyeing an mp4... :D sadly, they're too out of reach. :( mom, dad, and the two kids are off to manila today. they took the car with them. trying if it could do long travels. wish i could come but my aunt doesn't seem to want us there. besides, there was very little space left when they're off to baguio after so, we're really not invited (nor welcome).

so yeah... im left with my tantrums right now. ::(

Dear Guts,

honestly... just when you need the courage to do something, you lose the nerves to do it. i again feel insecure about my writing skills. i've always been this way anyway. ever since i realized i know i write good, i just don't see myself as better. there's always someone out there that would intimidate me making me curl up on my insecurities. why just writing this makes me squirm.

when i don't feel that great when writing i find myself stupidly redundant with the words that i use and that's not really great. oh what am i suppose to do? i have so many dreams. they say read a lot, and you'll become a better writer. yeah write! ahahaha! this is really embarassing.

then i realized this blogs pagerank and alexa ranking is higher that my home blog! what's up with that? i don't even know if there's a bit of traffic in here. if only i could switch its ranking then maybe i'd be earning more with the ppp and ads that im working on to earn a bit of extra income.

oh well! whatever... just talking nonsense here. ::(

leap...

i was trying to be optimistic... trying to do stuffs i didn't find worth focusing on before. imagining myself growing older with the amount of responsibilities i'm taking in. happy to show them and tell them to the world. although the child in me is in outrage at the new change, i simply tried to go with the new phase i'm taking.

still... that's just it... i can never be perfect.

most of the people i know, friends, and new acquaintances, even my own mom ask advice from me sometimes. ideas that i feel helpful. and somehow, most of them regard me as someone with utmost wisdom. they even compliment me saying how could i be so understanding, patient, and what a strong woman, that i hardly believe it.

because, i can never be that strong... nor that proud.

i thought i was doing well... i tried preventing myself from doing extreme decisions. especially if it is under the impression of exaggeration. but right now... i just can't bear the idea that i didn't do anything, nor said a word, that might trigger the outbursts...

so, yeah... i have to find my old self...

unheard

sometimes, no matter what you do it'll never be enough. not if you've done too much to lose that trust.

i wonder... why it could be easy for someone to just ask you to step aside. to close the door for awhile behind you, leaving you the feeling that you can't do anything there. yes... that's it. there's just nothing you can do. what can i do then? oh right. leave in silence and shut up.

that's what i hate actually, times where you do decide to speak up but it makes things worst. tell me not to feel insecure when you thought you've said something right but ended up being shut.

i just had to let this all out for a while. i don't have my usual friend to talk too. she's out of town. so i really have no one but this. maybe i'd shut off the comment board as well? just to keep the game rolling? but no. i don't really know what i want. just some sense, and some importance, acknowledgement, and appreciation. nothing more. oh yeah... and real trust. sigh...

till later.

unloading

"be content with what you have, that had always been a drill.

don't expect for so much, just stay on tract with the will.

must i always suppress my heart, must i learn to stay still?

maybe i would, if i was secured, with what you truly feel."

just a little rhyme to compliment my emotions right now. since last night i had been told by most of the people around, especially those that inspires me most: "stay on tract, keep it up. you're doing well. do this and don't do that... learn to seriously dwell."

there are a lot of things waiting to be done, stuffs that would bring me far. but my heart is so uneasy, i just can't do it without the enthusiasm. why is it so hard to find that thrill? when all you wanted is to be great and share it with. oh i found it so annoying, when you have to get somewhere by sacrificing all your longings.

-break rhyme-

this is what i hate when i start with rhymes, the whole entry just turns out like a pathetic poetry. oh well, glad that's off my chest. that's just it. i have so much to do, so much to think about but i can't focus. other matters bothers me and i just cant find that eager feeling to actually start doing and working. argh! the agony of trying to be patient... understanding everything. they're all asking me the same thing... patience... patience... patience... the mere word drives me to impatience. understand the situation its just temporary, everyone i talk to, they have the same excuse. may it be from a friend, or a family problem, understanding is the key, that's what you should do. yeah i do understand, but must it always be me to do the understanding alone? what about what i feel? i wanna be understood too! i guess even if im turning out so well in this 'controlling your emotion' state, i can't help but wonder: am i the only one to learn this lesson in my lifetime? everyone around me, i just have to understand and adjust? adjust at home, adjust at work, adjust in love...

-deep breathing: breathe in... breathe out...-

yup... im still okay. but for how long?

i badly need the strength... i badly need the guidance.

Lord, help me through...

do you love me?

this is a post which i do not intend to make everyone understand. i'll be collecting responses instead.

i'm actually bothered... ironically my background music is "when we dance" by sting. anyway, i just want to leave a few questions in here:

is forgiveness enough to bring love back?
will that love stay true?

how do you heal a broken heart?

must i stop dreaming?

are you holding on to false hopes?

i won't cry this time.... there's only one person who knows what this questions are... i don't wanna be a burden. im tired of that. i don't wanna be loved because there's no other choice. and i don't wanna start believing in dreams again, if time will defy me in the future. i learned so much. but if its time to move on. i'll keep my tears away so you'll have the strength to do what You want.

icebreaker: LOVE

(excuse me for a little commercial from my heart... i tried to keep this blog as jolly and as reasonable as it could. but, things happen that i wanna tackle to make this blog more personal, so to speak.)

here it goes:

i admit... i've always said im sorry and i know im the one to be blamed. i know that every bit of pain im feeling right now is something i definitely deserve. i deserve it... its true: even my death wont be enough to make anyone forget the pain that i've caused. i deserve to live and suffer the torture from the consequences of my actions. yes, torture...

i begged like a kid who'd die if she loses her parents... yup... i cried like a hungry baby... i lowered my pride down. if i could be a slave i'd do so... i agreed to receive all the bitterness just to show my repentance. i gave everything... every bit of action that i know i could give and do to show that i mean it... i was true... i thought i don't need love back... that forgiveness was enough. but that would be hypocrisy, i do need to be loved. who doesn't?

all this time i thought things were going, progressing, we were picking up the pieces... the future is starting to show up once again. light was shining in little by little... i bragged to my friends how we've gone through every downfall in this relationship... they have looked up on us... i believed in us... the old us... the new us... was there ever a new us? everything was going fine... until...

<----- details erased----->

unconditional love... i always thought only God could give such love. yet, for a moment i was able to feel it... lived it... savored it... however, i guess like all the rest there will be just memories, and daydreaming of a love that is true. i still believe its there... waiting for us, ready for the taking. yet, for the unconditional love that you speak, you need to be ready and should be responsible enough. my change was too late...

i loved... i was loved... i still love... yet what's next?

i told my friend once: look... just talk to your girlfriend and for goodness sake lower your pride. if you let your pride take over, and she does the same you only end up creating a whole pile of pride dilemma. the question though is, what if both of you lost that pride? or was it really lost? or you just thought it was lost...

i pray to God that He gives me the strength to accept the next step... why do we have a heart to break? how do you let go of something you've worked for, blood, sweat and tears? how could you let go of your life? how could you let go of love? how could you accept that everything you've hoped for wouldn't work out anymore?

because all this time... it turned out that i am holding on to something that was only borrowed.